I could hardly believe my eyes as I scanned the front page. “Is it already April Fools’ Day?” I remember wondering. The date listed in the masthead read March 29, 2011.
What a completely bonehead issue for our legislature to consider. Did you know that our lawmakers voted to adopt the “Code of the West” as Oregon’s model of conduct? I shudder to think how much this is going to cost. I’m sure that there will be copies of the Code printed in every conceivable form, from pocket-sized cards to wall-mounted posters. This is a total waste of time and money; all to remind us to “Always finish what you start” and to “Ride for the brand” and other gems of wisdom.
This was almost as ridiculous as our own county commissioners, who back in 2006 spent $250,000 of our hard earned tax money to advertise Lane County’s “lack of funds.” This was a classic example of one hand not knowing what the other is doing – or in this case – one hand out for money while the other is spending it.
Instead of figuring out ways to squander our money, our legislators should devise methods of increasing the amount of money coming into the state coffers. I’ve got a brilliant idea.
Beer has been a favorite beverage of Oregonians for nearly forever. Oregon, My Oregon, the state song, calls Oregon the “land of the empire builders.” Many historical publications list legendary brew master Henry Weinhard as an “Empire Builder.” It’s always been beer thirty in Oregon.
A study in 2008 by the National Beer Wholesalers Association and the Beer Institute shows that the beer industry directly and indirectly contributes over $2.3 BILLION – yes, that’s BILLION with a B – to Oregon’s economy. That figure includes nearly 26,000 jobs paying over $750,000,000 in wages and over $53,000,000 in federal, state and local taxes.
With 46 microbrew outlets, Portland has more breweries and brewpubs per capita than any other city in the United States. As I said it’s always beer thirty in Oregon.
Oregon almost single-handedly reversed the fortunes of Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) beer. Sales of PBR had been steadily plummeting since the mid-1970s until Portland’s counter-culture discovered it. Since 2000 Oregon has been a top market for Pabst. According to 2008 sales data from Pabst Brewing Company, Oregon was the top PBR state in the nation. Portland was the top PBR city and Eugene-Springfield was ranked number eight in the nation. No, these aren’t watered down per-capita statistics; these numbers are based on raw sales of PBR. Kind of scary, ain’t it?
So here’s my proposal. Move over milk, our lawmakers should designate beer the “state beverage.” Naming rights should then be offered to the highest bidder. Just like Nike University in Eugene, Pabst Brewing Company would surely pay lots of money to bribe Oregon’s beer buying public. Any expenses incurred by the change would be paid for by Pabst. The hipsters would buy mass quantities of PBR. Millions of hop-flavored dollars would roll into the state treasury. It’s a win-win.
While we’re on the subject of naming rights, Oregon should change its state song and sell it to the highest bidder. I’m betting Pabst would be the top bidder in that contest as well. Go on, you can admit it, Oregon, My Oregon is kind of dated. How many times do you hear it sung? When was the last time you heard anyone sing it? Until I just told you, how many of you really knew the name of our state song?
It just so happens that there’s already a song that would be perfect. There’s no need to pay someone to compose a new one. And it fits perfectly with the thesis of the proposal I’ve outlined here. I have no doubt that every day at beer thirty as the beer drinking public pounds back a cold PBR, they all will be singing the chorus of this sudsy anthem from the 1970s sung by the late Johnny Russel: “There’s no place that I’d rather be than right here, with my red neck, white socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer.”
Published 2018 (updated from 2011)
It Happened in Oregon... 